Scene 1 - Caravan Park in the West of Ireland - Temperature 12 degrees Centigrade - circa 5pm - date unknown;
Father Dougal Maguire: "Ted, not only did I bring the Scrabble, but I brought the Travel Scrabble as well!"
Father Ted: "You forgot did'nt ya!"
Father Dougal: Yes Ted I did sorry."
Father Dougal: "Ted can I boil the kettle?"
Father Ted: "Suppose so, a cup of tea would be nice."
Father Ted: "Dougal that's ten times you'ved boiled that kettle I know we're bored but God Almighty!"
Father Dougal: "Ted what do you think would happen if I kept the button pressed in?"
Father Ted: "You would end up picking hot bits of metal out of your face!"
Father Dougal: "Oh Rightso!"
Scene 2 - My front door - Temperature minus 6 Centigrade - circa 8pm - Saturday 9th January 2010;
Caller: "Hello, I wonder could you help me I've a problem with my oil boiler?"
Me: "Sorry mate am just going in my front door with a takeaway chinese its been a long day could you phone me in the morning?"
Caller: "Understand mate no probs its just I've young kids in the house and need the heating fixed."
Me: "If you phone back in 20 minutes I might be able to give you a bit of advice about it."
Caller: "Yep thanks thats great will phone back then."
30 Minutes later;
Caller: "Hi, we spoke earlier, my oil boilers packed in."
Me: "Yep no prob, is it outside in a boilerhouse?"
Caller: "Its in my garage but what's happened is I got my neighbour to help and he's got it working again could I put you on to him?"
Me: "Is your neighbour a plumber?"
Caller: "No he's a Handyman, here he is."
Handyman: "Hello mate how's it going, listen where can I buy one of them boiler thermostats in the morning know the one at the top of the boiler with the wee temperature dial?"
Me: "Why, do you need one?"
Handyman: "Well this one was'nt working it would'nt bring the boiler on so I opened it up and looped a wire across it and got it going again."
{Noise of Boiler in the Background}
Me: "Could you do me a favour please and turn the boiler off now!"
Handyman: "Ok but why?"
Me: "Put your hand on the heating pipes coming from the boiler are they hot?"
Handyman: "No they're cold."
Me: "The heating pipes are frozen!"
Handyman: "They're frozen!"
Handyman: "Right the heating pipes are frozen!; so what do you think would happen if I kept that wire loop in the thermostat?"
Me: "You would end up picking hot bits of metal out of your face!"
Handyman: "Oh rightso!" (or words to that affect as me and him are from Norn Iron)
Email: jd-plumber@hotmail.co.uk
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